Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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