Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
