I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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