I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We need to get me chipped asap
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
