I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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