cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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