i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize