new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
