Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize