sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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