I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
