Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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