found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
