I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
my liver is dry heaving
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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