just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize