i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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