Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
