My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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