how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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