I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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