So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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