I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
