Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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