It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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