If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize