I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
