i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
