The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
