I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize