I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
