LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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