Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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