I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
