remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
