I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
