He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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