Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
