oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
