I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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