oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
