you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
