I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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