Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
