Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
