What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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