Apparently you make a good broom.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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