is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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