someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
