Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
