it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
