if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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