I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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