dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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