Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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