My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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