I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
