she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't deserve a penis
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
