I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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