White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
