she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize