The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
