theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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